Then and Now

MY HEARTS CHANGED FROM THEN TO NOW. AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF.. THATS GOOD. I HEARD MY 

HEART POUND AND ACHE ALL IN ONE AND I DIDNT LIKE IT. DIDNT LIKE IT, BECAUSE I DIDNT FEEL 

LIKE MYSELF. I FELT WEAK, BUT IM NOT WEAK. I FELT WEAK TIMES BECAUSE I WOKE UP TO DAYS 

THAT WERE TOO HARD TO BE STRONG. TO ME NOW THAT WAS DIFFERENT THEN, IS THAT THERE 

ARE NEVER DAYS THAT ARE TOO HARD TO BE STRONG. BUT I APPRECIATE THOSE DAYS. THEY MADE 

ME WHO I AM AND WHO IM FORMING INTO. I THANK MY HEART BECAUSE I ALWAYS HAVE HOPE. I 

THANK MY HEART FOR NEVER GIVING UP. AND WHEN IT DOES GIVE UP, I THANK MY MIND FOR 

TELLING IT NOT TO. IM DIFFERENT FROM THEN AND NOW AND I KNOW I'LL BE DIFFERENT FROM 

NOW TO THEN. THAT BRINGS ME FEAR AND EXCITEMENT. IM READY AND IM NOT. WHEN HAVE I 

EVER BEEN READY.. I NEVER HAVE. AND THATS WHY ITS ALL GOING TO BE OK. THERE MY HEART IS GIVING ME HOPE AGAIN. AND I LOVE THAT. 

Then i looked up

I was laying down by a river. Then i looked up. I saw balloons above my head. They were getting higher and higher and I wondered what it'd be like to be like one. Maybe not one, maybe all of them. To have the power that they all have together to keep getting higher and higher. I got discouraged because i know that i'm grounded. I know that if i were to try to fly i would fall from the force of gravity. I know that it would be impossible, but i just sat there and dreamed. Dreamed of what it would be like to fly. No weight or burden on my shoulders. Just simply, as light as a feather. No one or nothing to bring me down. I was invincible. I was free and lightweight. I was happy. I was flying high and i never wanted to drop. I felt the breeze through my hair and saw the beautiful land that god had created. I was amazed. I was amazed at the thought of being able to fly. Being able to leave a stressful life and enter into a carefree world. But that carefree world wasn't real. That thought made me mad, so mad that i decided to create my own care free world. To create my own calm no matter where i was. I learned an important lesson that day. All from a balloon. All from looking up. 

THE BLUE UMBRELLA

The blue umbrella is something i want to be. The blue umbrella is something i hope i can be. I once had this blue umbrella. When i needed it, it was there. When i had it i felt protected. It was big and didn't only cover me, but covered the extra space around me. I didn't only feel protected but i was. 

There was something about that blue. The soft, calming, and comforting blue. In times of fear i felt safe. I felt invisible as if the umbrella were hiding me. When i would walk with that umbrella i felt as if no one could see my step. 

That umbrella was my barrier. My barrier from the rain, the wind, and sometimes the people who would pass. When i would look up i saw the rain drops slide down the umbrella and knew i wouldn't feel a speck of rain on my skin. That thought gave me warmth when i was cold. 

The blue umbrella went everywhere with me and began to wear through time. It couldn't take the strong wind and rain after so long. Those heavy rain drops soon formed wholes throughout the blue umbrella, but i used it until i couldn't anymore.

When i realized it was worthless i began to think about how that blue umbrella made me feel. I began to realize that the blue umbrella would no longer be there when i needed it. I knew it was just an object and could easily be replaced. I knew it was stupid to feel sorrow over a dumb object, but yet i felt sorrow. I felt protected with that blue umbrella. I felt comforted and covered every single time i would hold it over my head. I didn't want to get rid of that umbrella, but knew i needed too.

But ever since i knew i wanted to keep that umbrella alive. I want to be there for others as that umbrella was there for me. I want to protect those who fear and comfort those who sorrow. I want to be a barrier to keep peoples burdens from hitting their shoulders. That blue umbrella is something i want to be. That blue umbrella is something i hope i can be.

                                 

ANSWERS---> NEXT EXIT.

IM ARRAID OF A LOT. A LOT OF THINGS IN LIFE SACRE ME, AND ONE OF THE SCARIEST PARTS OF IT ALL IS I DON'T HAVE ANY ANSWERS.. ACTUALLY ZERO 
ANSWERS.

 I HAVE FEARS OF WHAT I'LL BECOME, IF I'LL BECOME THE PERSON THAT IM SUPPOSED TO BE. 

I'M AFRAID THAT I WON'T MAKE THE RIGHT DECISIONS THAT WILL AFFECT THE REST OF MY LIFE. 

IT SCARES ME THAT I DONT HAVE TO ANSWER TO THOSE FEARS.. THOSE WONDERS..THOSE THINGS THAT SCARE ME MOST IN LIFE. WHY AM I AFRAID OF THESE THINGS ? 

WHY DO WE FEAR AND WORRY ? I HAVE FEARS OF LOSING THOSE I LOVE, AND EVEN SOMETHING AS STUPID AS GETTING LOST IN THE FOREST AND NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND MY WAY BACK.  

I DON'T HAVE ANSWERS IN LIFE, AND THAT SCARES ME. THAT MAKES ME FEEL UNEASY AND UNSURE. 

I'M LIVING LIFE AND WILL OCCASIONALLY RUN INTO A FEAR AND I STOP AND GO SILENT. WHEN IM SCARED I PAUSE COMPLETELY AND FEEL MY HEART POUNT OUT OF MY CHEST. 

I HEAR MY HEART BEAT AND YET IM LEFT HANGING, HANGING WITH ZERO ANSWERS... WONDERING WHAT TO DO IN THAT MOMENT. IN THE MOMENTS THAT WE ARE MOST AFRAID, WE FEEL ALONE AND ARE CONFUSED. 

WE'RE SCARED AND CANT EVEN THINK IN THE RIGHT STATE OF MIND. I GUESS IN 
THAT MOMENT WE HOPE.. JUST HOPE THAT WE CAN FIND AN ANSWER.

 

"Its building under my skin on my cheeks and it is literally welling in my eyes and I don't know what to do because now I'm crying.     and I'm scared." -Rothko 

LIFE. GOES. ON.

lIFE IS ON GOING. Truth is it really doesn't stop. But i have a concern... is that a good or a bad thing? 

When you want life to slow down, it won't, and when you want life to speed up, it won't. 

life moves at a pace of it's own. Iv'e realized it's a pace that we can't control. I often reflect back on my 

 life and wonder how it past by so quickly.. In fact, the only thing i can relate it too would be a freight 

train. 

But in the moment life isn't fast. It all of a sudden goes back to a pace that i don't know if i like. A 

pace that when things go wrong it seems like a day lasts forever, but when something amazing happens 

the day ends within a blink of an eye. 

Truth is that bothers me. If it were up to me i would reverse that equation. I would make sure that the 

happiest moments in our lives would last a life time, and the times when we want life to move like the 

speed of light would do exactly as that. 

But thats not the way it's supposed to be. LIFE GOES ON.. whether we like it that way or not. Life moves 

day to day at a pace that we cannot control. Life is and will always be ON GOING. It will be a good day for 

someone while for you will feel like a lifetime. 

In the exact same day it can be forever and not long enough all in one. But the truth is, it is the exact 

same time in every single day and it just repeats, repeats, and repeats. 

bricks.

Bricks come in many sizes and colors ranging from reds to browns to tans to greys. It only has one shape which is rectangular but they can be small or big. Bricks are hard and heavy. You can also use them for multiple things. They are hard to break and can build you some of the best. If you look closely they are very detailed and none of them are the exact same. Some may be damaged or chipped on the edges not creating a perfect rectangle, and others may be dented on the center and sides. Just because a brick is an object doesn't mean it is perfect in every state. Bricks are real, bricks are strong, and bricks are different and non perfect. To me bricks are built to work together. Why do they have circles in them? maybe to help the cement mold together with the other bricks? or maybe there just built that way with no purpose. Why are they only rectangular? So that the can stack and soon be as one. Bricks aren't soft. They are rough and sometimes sharp. To me a brick is worthless but so useful at the same time, and sometimes i feel like thats how concrete things are. Worthless with no purpose, but useful with every purpose. 

What if every sunday were Oscar Sunday?

If every sunday were Oscar sunday than it wouldn't be as special as it is now. The stars would also become very over rated. Why do we itch to watch academy awards anyways? Im sitting here watching the red carpet literally itching for the Oscars to begin. Us as humans are so worldly and care so much about the fame and fortune. We care so much about the stars and what they wear.. i mean really? But i personally crave it. I don't know why we care, but i don't really mind it either. LET THE OSCARS BEGIN!